The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
