i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
