My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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