I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
