i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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