Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
