i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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