i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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