they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
