She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
