apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm passing your future prison.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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