I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
