i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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