He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
