when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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