Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
