Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
