So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
