in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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