My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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