Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
