i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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