You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
