I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
