I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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