nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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