You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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