I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
