One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You dont lie about slip and slides
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
