When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Randomize
