whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
