dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
