You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
