i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
