Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
