I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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