I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
