Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
