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A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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