Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
