the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
