Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
