and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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