i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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