that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
