Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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