if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
