I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
They took my balls.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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