one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
