i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
