if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
