the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
