My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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