I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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