I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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